Ads for sexually explicit material and sex toys most always include as an inticement the phrase, “Delivered in a plain brown wrapper.” The title was inspired by one of the funniest cartoons I have seen: A woman is receiving a package in a plain brown wrapper from a delivery man whose panel truck is parked in her driveway. The truck has the name of the company emblazoned on the side panels...The Dildo Store...and a giant sized dildo adorning the roof of the truck.
Jokes in a Plain Brown Wrapper is a 496 page collection of more than 1,000 of the funniest jokes of the past 20 years. The criterion for inclusion in this anthology was that they made me laugh out loud. They have been categorized, indexed and cross referenced. Some of the material is X-rated and contains adult and explicit language. ef
There are no new jokes! Every joke in this book has been told before...more than once. The fact is, that a joke that is not worth repeating, is not funny!
EXCERPTS
Husband: “I’ll bet you can’t tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
She says, “You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends!”
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My wife is such a bad cook; the other night I fed the dog some scraps from the table. He rolled over and licked his ass to get the taste out of his mouth!”
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My mother-in-law is a well-balanced person. She's got a chip on both shoulders.
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My wife was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, “get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”
She looked at me and said, “You did this to me you bastard!”
I casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, ‘It’ll be too painful.’”
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A guy is in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly he throws up all over himself. He says “Aw shit! Now my wife’s gonna kill me”.
The guy on the stool next to him says, “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.
So he stays for another couple of hours and gets even drunker. Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. “You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself...my God you’re disgusting” .
“Wait!” he says, slurring his words, “It ain’t whashu think...hic...I only had one drink, but thish man was sick an’ he threw up all over me. He wash very sorry an’ he gave me twenty dollars to get my shirt cleaned. Jush look in my shirt pocket.”
She looks in his shirt pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.
“Oh yeah,” he says, “I almosh forgot; he...hic...shit in my pants too!”.
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A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
“What are you doing?” he says.
“I’m trying to commit suicide,” she says.
“Well, before you jump, how about giving me a blow job.”
So, she does. After she’s finished, the trucker says, “Wow! What a waste of talent. Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl!”
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Breaking with tradition, CBS has announced that they will be airing a new gay sitcom this fall called: “Leave it; it’s Beaver.”
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his Willy today on the playground”. Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut”.
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mum asked, “Really small, was it?”
Sally replied, “No...salty!”
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This Polish guy asked his brother-in-law to stand behind the car to see if his turn signals were working.
The brother-in-law reported, “They’re working; they’re not working. They’re working; they’re not working!”
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The Government commissioned a survey to study the sexual habits of Americans. Among the questions was one that was aimed at determining how many people enjoyed having sex in the shower. They were amazed to learn that 86 percent of African-American men enjoyed having sex in the shower.
The other 14 percent had not yet been to jail!
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Jewish husband to his wife: “I’m putting my foot down; we’re not going out tonight and that is semi-final!”
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself slowly, painfully up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “arthritis.”
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A Mother is complaining to her daughter that lately she has been feeling lethargic, listless and apathetic. She says, “If I stand up too suddenly, I get dizzy.”
Her daughter responds, “I have to smoke two joints to feel like that!”
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Three boys are arguing about how fast their fathers are.
The first one says, “My father can fire an arrow and run so fast that he can get there before the arrow!”
The second one says, “That’s nothing...my father is a hunter he can shoot his gun and get there before the bullet!”
The third one shakes his head and says, “You guys don’t know anything about fast. My father works for the government; he stops work at
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“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?”
The doctor says “Limp!”
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A young woman walks up to the pharmacy counter and asks the pharmacist, “Where are the triple A batteries?”
“Come this way,” he replies, beckoning with his forefinger.
She responds, “If I could come that way, I wouldn’t need the batteries!”
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It was soooo cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!
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Hillary Clinton says, “Bill, now the press is saying you lent money to that Monica Lewinsky for plastic surgery.”
Bill replied, “You see how they twist things? What I said was that I blew a wad on her face.”
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In the beginning there was nothing and God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a lot better!
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Do you know what Cinderella did when she got to the ball?
She gagged!
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SCAM WARNING: I just got scammed out of $25! I bought a Tiger Woods
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A bum walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.
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A little girl is saying her prayers at bedtime, “Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor naked ladies in Grandpa’s computer, Amen.”
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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning the husband. “Did she say anything before she died?” asked the sergeant.
“She spoke without interruption for about forty years,” said the husband.
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Just think? if the Indians had given the Pilgrims a cat or a donkey for Thanksgiving, we’d be eating pussy or having a piece of ass instead of turkey!
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